Kip didn't answer any of my texts yesterday. I called after rehearsal and he answered. We talked for a good hour (if you can believe it, less than normal, but so it is with long distance couples). He was playing WoW (World Of Warcraft) for the majority of the time. It does bug me, but then I know what he'd be like if he didn't have that. It's something to do. It is something that is at least mentally active. Sometimes I wish that he would put that need to do something into working out, as he complains about that so much.
I suppose I'm starting to lose some of my nerve in telling him when something bothers me. I ought to, I know. I just hate thinking it might do more harm than good, and it's true that I don't know for sure that it would do that. How do I know that it would do any good either, though.
We'll have been going out for a year in 22 days. I hope things don't become so busy that it takes the rest of the semester to become engaged officially. I'm honestly very impatient about it. Why am I so impatient?
Possible reasons:
1) The year 2012 is coming up and I have no great reason to expect why that year should be any different apart from what I hear about the world maybe ending by then. I can imagine growing up and old, way past that year. There's a small, lurking fear in the back of my head, though.
2) If I had things my way, I'd leave school now, get a job (and believe you me, I would get a friggin job) and start building a savings account for crying out loud. If/when Kip gets accepted into the JET program, if there were a way, I'd go with him. I'm starting to get anxious about Japan. I was fine with it while it was so far away, but it's more and more real every day. It's stupid that we humans are sometimes fine with our own death or with a career in a dream field juuuust up until it starts to happen. Suddenly, all the things you dreamt of are in front of you and they begin to mean more and more to you. Like and opponent on a giant horse way off in the distance. Your courage is set and firm while that opponent is no more than a freckle on the horizon, but as it gallops towards you, blade outstretched, you begin to have a better understanding of just how fast he's coming on, how long that sword is, how equally deadly the horse could be if it trampled you, and how invincible the armored knight seems as his plate reflects your own fears and your own feeble existence. By the time you realize that you could run out of his way, it's too late. Beyond that, it's just a matter of what reaction you have and maintaining enough courage not to hesitate.
If Kipper's away for a year, am I afraid I'll meet someone? Honestly, there are a few guys down here that are the kind of guy I'd go after, but they aren't Kip and I've known since I met Kip that letting him just slip through my fingers would be the DUMBEST thing I'd ever do. I already did it once, and no way was it worth it. Kipper is it. It rings like the morning sun in my window. It's true and it's bright and it wraps itself around me and let's me know the night is passed. Get it? Kip is it for me.
I'm much more afraid of the better population of young, beautiful, Japanese (and, God Forbid, Japanese-Brazilian) girls. I count myself a beautiful creation on my own. I count myself rare and intelligent and with a particular gift where love is concerned. All the same, I am not the sweet, spot-less, cute Japanese ideal and I've never feared a girl more than I've feared Amy. I knew what Amy did to Will's heart while we were still together, even if he didn't. I knew Amy had a fire that made my own look like one of the hundreds of gaslights in Dublin. I know none of the girls in Japan. I know Kip almost dated one and I know that there might be a handful of girls in Japan that don't appeal to him. I know that those girls appear so fearfully beautiful to most men. I know I can't compare. I just...I mean, it pisses me off. There aren't a country of men that appeal to me that would through theirselves at me! But Japan is not safe while he's there! I mean, it's a victorian society that full of coy sweethearts that would never be too forward, but oh they'd love to make him give chase.
Do I think Kip would ever do that? I think right now, he is firmly set not to. I know he will admire those girls, and I know it will be difficult for him not to fantasize. Sickly, I wonder if it's cruel not to let him masturbate while he's there. Millions of beautiful women, me not there for months and months, what effect would that have? Ugh, I can barely listen to "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Used to love that song, when I had a crush on a teacher. It is, of course, unbearable to think of Kip as the teacher and some girl, thousands of miles away, in his class...yeah, unbearable.
It hurts to think that somehow this won't work and that God will still be there for me. It hurts to think that once I thought that Kip and I are meant to be that somehow it would all get turned on its head and suddenly I'm left with every other option but the one I really, really wanted.
These terrible thoughts... Somehow, I expect the Japan would change him and that I would no longer have the man that loves me the way he does.
God help me to be faithful, not just so far as other men are concerned, but these myriad failures of my faith break me down and hurt not only me but Kipper, my friends, my family. I can see how it bleeds and spills over.
The cup of faith is like a martini glass full of a rare oil and this world is as a tight-rope.
God help me to speak to Kip about these fears and help me to see all other things around me, too.
God help me with my classes and help me see what I need to do to graduate successfully. God, guide me elsewhere if this is not the place for me. If Budapest is what you want, help me make that happen.
Oh lord above, my honesty comes slowly with myself, let alone with those I love. You have been patient with me always and I pray that you remain so. I pray that out of these strange days I arise in your hands and fly away from here. I pray that I do not anger you, when sometimes I am sure that I have. How does one reconcile this? Lord of life and light, I am so set in my ways. I feel changes that come, and I resist them. You, oh lord, know where I am stubborn and I am sure that you would break me of these things and that you would remake me again and again. I am afraid of this. Lord, help my fears to melt away and help me to remember the Ghost story. Help me to remember the day under the pines when the sky was the rich and clear blue, the sun warm, and breeze light, and the future the brightest because you were there. Lord help me to return to you every day and help me not to stray.
Make my days yours and keep me all my days.
I love you.
Maggie.
